I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
