Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
