I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
