i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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