He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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