Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize
