What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
