I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize