What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
