Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
