You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
