I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
