so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
