Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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