i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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