We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
NoShamevember. You game?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize