Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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