well you can't waste a boner
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
