So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize