Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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