So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
