On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
