nut hugger
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
