Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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