hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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