We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
