Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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