im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
