Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
