Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
