I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
