a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
