Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
