No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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