The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
