hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
