My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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