Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
