I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
