how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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