he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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