I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
