I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
