somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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