I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
