Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize