Pappa wants mamma naked
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
