The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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