I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
