From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
