no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize