my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
