if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He did a backflip because drugs
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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