just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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