cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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