I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm at about main and main street
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
