I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
