Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
be right there i have to get my cape
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
