Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
