you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
