Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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