yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
