I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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