saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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