We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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