In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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