in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
