We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just googled if crying burns calories
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
