OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize