Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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