Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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