you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I touched a dick in church today
I have post one night stand depression
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